Saturday, June 21, 2008

Lame Game

Dear Jackie and Jared,

My boyfriend is a video-game-aholic.  After a hard day's work, all I want is to come home to my man and have a little dinner, a cocktail, and some mutual massaging that leads to some lovin'. But as soon as I walk in the door, I find my man's morphed into a prepubescent geeky gamer in his easy chair, hands firmly attached to his joystick!  He gets so immersed in his game that he can barely lift his eyes from the screen to look at me when I'm talking to him.  I'm all for a good game every now and then, but if I have to hear any more marathon computer generated explosions and gunfire, it's gonna be me to blow next.  

What do I do?

Signed, 
Halo Hater

Dear Halo Hater, 

I got an idea for ya.  Drive yourself to the Pleasure Chest on Santa Monica in West Hollywood.  I guarantee you can buy yourself something with handles and buttons that vibrates and makes all kinds of cool noises (or maybe that responsibility falls on you, hot stuff.)  Tonight when you get home, tell your dude that you've bought a really cool new remote.  Toss off your terry cloth robe to reveal your Lara Croft costume and present him with his new toy.  That's sure to have him calling "Game On!"

Jackie

Monday, May 12, 2008

How Do I Move On?

Q. Dear Jackie & Jared, I'm in lust/love with this guy, "Charlie", who is totally hot, smart and funny. We hang out together all the time, and he even texts me when he goes out on dates with other women. I know I should try to date other guys, but every time I go out on a date with another guy, Charlie shows up and we end up hanging out together. Do you think that there's a chance he may be interested in me and just playing hard to get?

Jonesing for Mr. Wrong

A. Dear Jonesies, your mom was right about men. Men are hunters, we don't play hard to get, if we like you, we're very easy to get (though we do love women who are hard to get). In fact, if you think a guy is hard to get, it's because he doesn't want to bang ya. A guy who's into you will let you know it. That's the hard truth that women delude themselves into thinking that maybe, just maybe, he could be shy? Know this: if you look into a guy's eyes and don't see lust staring at you, move on.

Your Big Brother,
Jared


Dear JFMW,

Don't waste your childbearing years on some loser who doesn't value you for the beautiful woman that you are! Get out there and start dating other hotties! Who knows, maybe Mr. Wrong may come around when he realizes that he may lose you.

Love,
Jackie


Thursday, May 8, 2008

Hopelessly Devoted (and Confused) at Work

Q. Dear Jackie & Jared, I am seeing this guy at work, "Greg", who is totally cute, smart and sexy. He's very flirtation and attentive when we're in the office, sending me sexy emails and text messages, taking me to lunch, making out with me on the off hours, and he even gets jealous when other guys pay any attention to me. He often wants to hang around my friends and has even introduced me to his friends, and acts like we're a couple. I feel such a strong connection to him. He knows I'm looking for something serious: marriage, children, etc. and I get the feeling that since he knows I have these goals and still pursuing the relationship, he obviously wants the same thing as me.

But sometimes things get weird. Sometimes a whole weekend will go by and he doesn't even bother to contact me, and then at work acts as if nothing happened. We've tried to have sex a couple times but he can never get an erection. Also, Greg has a lady "friend" who I'll refer to as "Svetlana". I can't really tell what the nature of their relationship is, as she acts like a couple but he never talks about her in those terms and rarely mentions her. There's also another woman we work with who I notice he's become friendly with, and they've done things together outside of work. But then one night a week he always wants me to come over to his apartment and "play", which leads me to believe he still really likes me. We even went to San Francisco for work one weekend, and ended up spending the night together in the hotel. It was very romantic!

Fed up with all this confusing back and forth, I decided to Google Greg's IM name last week and discovered, much to my surprise, that he was on a website for swingers. When I signed up on the website as "RoseLips" to sneak a peek, I saw that he and Svetlana were on there, with pictures and everything, and it said that they had been swinging for three years.

I'm wondering: do you think he's desperately trying to get out of the swingers lifestyle and have a deep meaningful relationship with me?

Hopelessly Devoted.


A. Dear Sandra Dee, You. Moron.

-- Love, Jared


Hey Sister, I totally hear ya! A very similar thing happened to me too! And then I got therapy!
Call me if you need a referal.

Love,
Jackie

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I Love My Puss

Q. Dear Jackie & Jared, I'm an attractive, smart and successful woman in her mid-thirties. I have been single for over five years, and I've gone on about ten dates in that period of time. I've heard that women are supposed to reach their sexual peak in their thirties, but lately I find myself wanting to spend more and more time playing with my newly-adopted kitty rather than chasing the Big 'O. What's wrong with me?

-- Cat Woman

A. Dear Cat, Stop petting your puss and start tapping the cock.

-- Jared


Dear C.W.,

Even though you may find your cat better company than 90% of the male population, resist the urge to become THAT cat lady. Get out there woman. You will have to kiss 100 rats before you find the big cheese, but no one said the search for love is easy. Maybe join a local cat-lovers association and perhaps your dream love will also be a puss lover.

Go catnip!

-- Jackie


Tuesday, May 6, 2008

My Girlfriend is a Wanna Bi

Q.  This is kinda complicated, but here goes. I'm a life-long dyke and have been dating a girl on and off for the past year. I'm her first lesbian relationship, and before me, she was with this one guy for three years. We started dating while they were still together, but she's been trying to get out of the relationship with him for a year. When we started dating, she said she wanted to break up with him, but then she continued to talk to him and see him and me both. This has been going on for a year, and she won't end it with him completely. I'm getting sick of it! My last girlfriend was also a first timer and after we broke up she started dating another guy, but even though she's still with him, she keeps in touch with me daily, writing me emails and hinting around that she wants to get back together. For some reason, all these girls like using me as their person to experiment with. It's not like we're in high school or anything. You'd think by our age (mid to late 20's) a dyke's a dyke, right? What can I do to stop attracting these wannabes into my bed and getting hurt in the process?

No Wanna-Bi

A.  Dear N.W.B., I'm sick of hearing about all these bi-curious girls who wreak havoc on all those good-natured dykes out there. Why can't they just hook up with other newBIes and "practice"? Here is your problem: you gotta nip these relationships in the bud if you're ever going to save yourself from the wannabes. I suspect that if you keep finding yourself in these kinds of relationships, there's something inside of you that wants to keep setting yourself up for the heartbreak. Next time you meet a newBIe, put her down and step the hell away. Just don't even go down the road with her. Sure, there might be the occasional girl who is the exception, but your track record's been pretty bad so far, so I'd suggest just going cold turkey for a while. Instead, start checking out the experienced dykes who know what she wants and what she wants is "PU**Y", presumably yours.

Good luck, Jackie.


Dear Wanna-Bi,

Bi girls are hot. If you don't want them, tell them to call Jared. They won't be confused anymore.

Jared


Dear Jared,

You. Wish.

Love,
Jackie

Restless in Hancock Park

Q. I have the perfect boyfriend, he’s beautiful, sweet, charming and treats me like a princess. His house is always impeccable, and the dĂ©cor is simply stunning. He has a great sense of style and pays attention to his appearance. He hates sports as much as I do and we both absolutely, to die for, LOVE Celine and Whitney. We spend all our free time together; we workout, shop, get our weekly mani/pedis, we have so much fun. I think I’ve found my soulmate, BUT….This is where I’m having a problem.... We’ve been dating for 3 months and the most we’ve done is kiss (no tongue). He thinks women are too aggressive when it comes to sex and he wants to take things slow. He wants to make sure the mother of his children is not some random slut. I’m getting a little restless, what can I do to speed things up without coming off like a slut?

Restless in Hancock Park

A. Dear Restless,
You remind me of me five years ago. I was engaged to a wonderful man, we were compatible in every way except in bed. I decided to overlook this small detail because a good man is hard to find. A trip to The Pleasure Chest and a few toys later my life was perfect, for a while. Then I met Thor and he rocked my world. After a week of great sex with Thor I had to call off my engagement, the experience left my fiancĂ© devastated. He no longer dates women and I don’t think he’s ever gotten over me. If you really like this guy, you should go with the flow but I have to tell you that there’s no substitute for great sex.

xoxo, Jackie

Dear Restless,
I’m going to buy your boyfriend a one way ticket to the Land of Oz. He and Dorothy can take turns reading Truman Capote while I show you a good time on Saturday night.

Dear Jackie,

Thor?

Jared